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Viva la Repartee: Clever Comebacks and Witty Retorts
Mardy Grothe
By
Published: Oct 21, 2018
Category:
Self Help
It’s really hard to be funny when you’re on the spot. It requires a mental trick: Someone hands you a set-up line, your onboard computer whirs into action, it processes everything about the last sentence spoken, considers the linguistic possibilities, checks literary and historical references, and, just a beat later, out of your mouth flies a comeback that has everyone laughing and admiring your wit.
Can you do that? I can’t, most of the time.
When I do hit the conversational ball back over the net with enough topspin to make jaws drop, it’s usually when I’m at my worst — that is, when I have, for no particular reason, an unnaturally high opinion of myself. I become as grand as Voltaire, or Wilde, or Churchill. I don’t so much deliver a bon mot as let it drop from my lips. Insufferable, yes?
Which makes me think it’s better to read a collection of sharp comebacks than to be their originator. It’s not only obnoxious, it’s exhausting to be witty on cue. On the other hand, it sharpens the mind to read several hundred pages of great repartee — which Mark Twain defined as "something we think of twenty four hours too late."
Mardy Grothe has done a public service in collecting these anecdotes. The little essays that begin each chapter are hardly of the same caliber of the witticisms that follow. No matter. Ignore the homilies; cut to the anecdotes. [To buy the book from Amazon, click here. For the Kindle edition, click here.]
Like these…
A reporter called out to Gandhi: “What do you think of Western ‘civilization?” Gandhi replied: “I think it would be a good idea.”
Dolly Parton was asked how long it takes to get her hair done. ‘I don’t know,’ she replied. ‘I’m not there.’ (Ms. Parton famously wears wigs.)
Noah Webster — the dictionary maker — was having his way with the chambermaid when his wife entered. ‘I’m surprised,’ she exclaimed. Webster replied: ‘No, my dear. I am surprised. You are astonished.’
At the height of Sen. Joe McCarthy’s popularity, Robert Hutchins, the departing president of the University of Chicago, was asked if Communism was still being taught at the university. He snapped: ‘Yes, and cancer at the medical school.’
During World War II, a Nazi officer inspected Picasso’s apartment in Paris. He paused in front of a photo of ‘Guernica’ and asked, ‘Do you do that?’ Picasso’s reply: ‘No, you did.’
An interviewer, to a baseball player: ‘Last year, you hit two home runs all season; this year, you already have seven. What’s the difference?’ The player said, ‘Five.’
Spencer Tracy was asked what he looked for in a script. His reply: ‘Days off.’
In a movie scene, Jean Harlow asks a salesgirl if she can see through the dress she’s trying on. ‘I’m afraid you can, miss,’ the salesgirl says. ‘Good,’ says Harlow. ‘I’ll wear it.’
Bill Clinton was once introduced as the most intelligent of the Presidential candidates. He quipped, ‘Isn’t that like calling Moe the most intelligent of the Three Stooges?’
‘What’s the best thing about being 104?’ The old woman answered: ‘No peer pressure.’
Legendary quarterback Joe Namath was asked if he preferred Astroturf or grass. ‘I don’t know,’ he cracked. ‘I’ve never smoked Astroturf.’
Just before takeoff on an airplane flight, the flight attendant reminded Mohammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. “Superman don’t need no seat belt,” said Ali. To which the flight attendant replied, ”Superman don’t need no airplane, either.”
The wife of lexicographer Noah Webster returned home and was shocked to discover him in an amorous situation with the maid. “Noah!” she cried out. “I am surprised!” “My dear,” he supposedly replied, “It is I who am surprised. You are astonished.”
In 1942, actress Ilka Chase, who had just published her autobiography, heard from an actor who wrote, “I thought your book was wonderful. By the way, who wrote it for you? Chase wrote back, “I’m so glad you liked it. By the way, who read it to you?”
Groucho Marx was talking to a contestant on his show, You Bet Your Life, who mentioned that he was the father of ten children. “Why so many?” asked Groucho. “Well,” the man replied, “I love my wife.” “And I love my cigar,” said Groucho, “but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.”
A young playwright once asked Carl Sandburg to see his play and offer his comments. Sandburg attended a rehearsal and fell asleep in the middle of the performance. The playwright was upset and offended. “How could you fall asleep when you know I wanted your opinion.” The poet replied, “Young man, sleep is an opinion.”
In 1994, after John Goodman had played the role of Fred Flintstone in the movie version of the well-known TV show, Jay Leno had him on as a guest and asked how his latest role would affect his career. “Well,” said Goodman, “I can pretty much kiss those Ibsen festivals goodbye.”
In 1960, Otto Preminger’s movie Exodus, based on the novel by Leon Uris, ran for an almost unheard of 212 minutes. (Most movies are under two hours.) At an early screening for the director’s friends from the entertainment industry, at around the three-hour mark, Mort Sahl called out, “Otto, let my people go!”
When Ann Richards was state treasurer of Texas, there was a controversy over a creche in the Texas Capitol. When asked about it, Richards said, “I’d hate for them to take it out. It could be the only chance we’ll ever have to get three wise men in that building.”
During the 1952 Presidential campaign, Democratic nominee Adlai Stevenson was addressing a crowd when a supporter called out, “”You have the support of all thinking Americans!” Stevenson’s response: “Madam, that is not enough. I’m going to need a majority.”
The actor John Gielgud was asked to present an award at a Hollywood event. Unable to attend due to a viral infection, he sent this note to his friend, Carol Channing: “Sorry love, cannot attend. Gielgud doesn’t fielgud.”
Alexander Woollcott was wondering what to do about his old and ailing cat, and realized he had no choice but to have the animal put down. But how, exactly? He asked Dorothy Parker, who wasn’t known for her empathy. Her response? “Try curiosity.”
After a 1906 performance by the pianist Max Reger, after a prominent critic panned his playing, Reger responded with this note: “I am sitting in the smallest room in the house. I have your review before me. In a moment it will be behind me.
There are 280 pages of these gems in this book. That’s enough to give you enough stories for several years. And maybe inspiration to craft a few of your own. Either way, this book is guaranteed both to amuse you and make you smarter. In plain, unfunny English: a bargain.
