Books |
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Chelsea Handler
By
Published: Aug 04, 2009
Category:
Memoir
One recent evening, as I was trying to justify the purchase of a flat-screen, I stumbled onto Chelsea Handler’s show, “Chelsea Lately.” It’s a nutty format: On the “E!” network, she skewers the kind of celebrities “E!” is obsessed with. She has guests from the B, C and D list. Her sidekick is a midget.
If you’re in the right mood, “Chelsea Lately” is great TV. Even if you’re not, it’s easy to be captivated by Chelsea Handler. Sure, she’s funny (“Is it okay to drink when you’re pregnant if you’re planning to give up the baby?”). Better, she’s smart and tart (“I am a fan of Lindsay Lohan now that she is a full-on gay”). Best, she’s a New Jersey blonde who wasn’t destined for Rutgers, which means she’s been around the block a few dozen times.
That’s why, when I decided to read one of her books, I chose My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands over Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea, her other bestseller.
If you think Handler is telling all to purge herself of the shame of being a slut, forget it. According to her spookily logical philosophy, you should sleep with a new prospect right away, the better to see if you have chemistry together. And that’s pretty much how the book rolls. It begins with an early childhood episode: When she’s just seven, her sister offers her $5 to run into her parents’ room and take a picture of them having sex, which, of course, she does — only to find her naked mother wearing a nurse’s hat and her dad with a bandana around his neck. And then you get 17 chapters of one-night stands.
Among the standouts:
Here’s 18-year-old Chelsea, anxious to celebrate her graduation from high school. With a girlfriend, off she goes to the Jersey shore. Not to the beach, though. To a bar, where she hits on the hottest guy and is quickly having “some of the best sex I can hardly remember.” For eight months. But she had to “turn up the music loud so we wouldn’t be tempted to talk.”
Here’s community college Chelsea with her first African American boyfriend. Her father’s ambivalent about this romance — “I love the blacks, they make great employees” — so, when this hunk moves on, Chelsea annoys Dad by finding another on ChocolateSingles.com. Alas, no sooner do they start making out than she discovers the pickle in his pocket is more like a cannon. “That’s gonna be a problem,” she announces. “You’re too big.”
Here’s 20-year-old Chelsea, at a party in Cabo San Lucas, with a midget. Yes. A midget.
Here’s early twenties Chelsea, with a guy wearing only a leather helmet and shoulder holster. (She flees.)
Here’s Chelsea, in Vegas, at a friend’s bachelorette party, ogling the male stripper — “I’m not going anywhere with him. I will go to him and then I will have him” — and getting her wish.
Here’s Chelsea with a very small man. As in: “It wasn’t even like a penis, it was like an extra piece of skin.”
Here’s Chelsea, in Los Angeles, with the gorgeous gynecologist. He has great drugs. And an open secret she doesn’t learn until she’s on his sailboat.
But you get the idea. Chelsea Handler drinks Grey Goose. She does a lot of cardio. Her favorite possession: her Spanx. Will she pose nude? Yes, but only for Allure — “My boobs are good. They’re real and perky.”
A New York Times writer tried to class her up: “Chelsea Handler is the diuretic to Hollywood’s chronic case of bloat.” Nonsense. She’s horrifyingly blunt. She’s completely vulgar. And, if you can go there with her, she’s funny as hell.
To buy “My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands” from Amazon.com, click here.
To buy the audio CD “My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands” from Amazon.com, click here.
To buy the Kindle edition of “My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands” from Amazon.com, click here.
To buy “Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea” from Amazon.com, click here.
To buy the audio CD of “Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea” from Amazon.com, click here.
To buy the Kindle edition of “Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea” from Amazon.com, click here.
To visit Chelsea Handler’s web site, click here.
