Books |
Lamentations of the Father
Ian Frazier
By
Published: Jan 01, 2008
Category:
Fiction
How does a man become a murderer?
Not the kind of question you and I ask ourselves, but Ian Frazier has thought deeply. Done the homework. And, in He, The Murderer, he reports back:
On an aptitude test, “Murderer” was the category he scored highest in. By then, he’d already murdered a couple of guys, just fooling around. He kind of liked it. One thing led to another.
It’s not all roses, this business of killing people. For one thing:
Now he wishes he’d murdered more people when he was younger. You reach the age of forty, forty-five, and you can’t react like you used to when you were twenty.
For another:
Everybody’s got his hand out these days, wanting a favor. “Hey, Ronnie, can you murder my nephew?” “Ronnie, my man, if you got a second, could you murder the head of the Plumbers and Contractors Union?” “Yo, Uncle Ronnie, how about doing a little murdering for us, pro bono?” Like always, friends and family take advantage.
To no one’s surprise, he wants better for the next generation:
He is determined that his son will not have to murder people when he gets big, and will be able to make a good living simply by injuring them.
And then….but you see what happens. You start reading an Ian Frazier piece, and the next thing you know you’re quoting him to anyone in your zip code, and pretty soon you’re reading the whole piece aloud. And this happens time after time, because on a good day there is no one better at smart-funny than Ian Frazier.
“Kisses All Around”, for example, is letters of premature acknowledgment. The Pope’s representative thanks Martin Luther for the 95 theses: "It’s on the table next to his bed, and he will certainly get to it soon.” Khomeini tells Salman Rushdie how much he’s looking forward to reading “The Satanic Verses” — "Death to Bush or whoever, and kisses all around."
Laws Concerning Food and Drink; Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father starts with important rules for the consumption of refreshment outside the kitchen. (“If you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.”) Of course the Father moves on to complaints: “Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again, even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount higher than before…”
“The Cursing Mommy Cookbook” is everything that went on in her head when she was making chili and someone had used the last of the chili powder. Later, there’s “A Cursing Mommy Christmas.” Because, you know, it’s always at her house….
Researchers Say parodies academic writing by exploring the emerging proof that life is too hard. Thus: “Nine out of ten of the respondents, identified by just their first initials for the purpose of the survey, stated that they would give up completely if they knew how.”
“Warmer, Warmer” is a meditation on George Bush’s call for a decade of additional research on global warming. But which one? “’We don’t want to pick just any old decade,’ the source continued, perspiration beading on his forehead. ‘Finding the right decade for this type of in-depth climate research might take as long as ten years.’"
There are more. And they are, almost without exception, so very funny that if you have not been reading Ian Frazier for decades, you may feel a sudden hole in your life of which you were heretofore unaware. Fret not. It is easy to catch up. Start with the new book. Then work back.
You’re welcome.
To buy “Lamentations of the Father” from Amazon.com, click here.
To buy “Coyote V. Acme” from Amazon.com, click here.
To buy “Dating Your Mom” from Amazon.com, click here.
To buy “Great Plains” from Amazon.com, click here.
